I knew that I should be shitting my pants. I’m a single mom, I just spent the last $10 I had to my name on allergy medicine. I had shut off notices for my gas and electric. I had just walked out of a job that I totally hated, after 5 years. I went home, smoked my last cigarette and put my head on the table to cry. When I lifted my head, I took a deep breathe and let out a huge sigh of relief. It was finally over.
I Got This!
I’ve spent the last 7 years in recovery and I was about to graduate from therapy after 2 years.
I had a box filled with recovery tools ready to get me through the challenges. I thought ‘I’m going to fight that evil bitch! This is 2012 not 1970’. I’m Pissed!
I’m pissed? WTF! My numerology forecast was right. I wasn’t paying attention. I allowed all of the beautiful gifts that I received from practicing spiritual principles to slowly slip away and allowed bitterness to creep in. Fuck that! I Want Me Back!
I need to get back on track and I need to find myself fast. Learn Out Loud became my best friend. I started listening to the pioneers of metaphysics. I filed for unemployment. I sought out a career counselor. I went to a food bank. I started reaching out to friends about my job search. I started sending resume’s. Most importantly, I got positive. I employed a program cliche’ “Fake it till you make it”. It was working. I had 4 potential job prospects right away.
Prospects weren’t paying the bills and turning back was not an option. I needed more time. Even though I had vowed to never go to the state for help, I had to set aside my pride to keep the heat and lights on and get some food in the house.
I didn’t expect to be turned down. This meant No Food for Christmas and the food banks were all empty. Fear is starting to set in. I’m already forgetting that I have tools.
Hitting the floor today, begging God to help me felt fruitless.
I was up till 4 a.m. worrying about my 18 year old son who was supposed to be home. I had just spent the past 4 days on the phone with someone whom I had once loved very much, reliving a very painful experience from our past.
Oh, Fuck! “I” can’t handle this.
I’ve been fighting for survival for the past 4 years. It’s become painfully obvious that God’s been carrying me. It is through my weakest moments that I find strength.
I’m committed to making 2013 a year that dreams are made of even if it means peeling myself off the floor. True strength means having the ability to clearly look at yourself and take the necessary actions to change your life. It’s an inside job that only I with the help of my Higher Power can do. This is my journey and daily effort to make it happen. I will be sharing the baby steps that I am taking to have a life worth living.